How to Cope with Infertility: Practical Tips and Encouragement

Dear Friend,

Today, I stumbled upon some genuinely disheartening statistics about infertility, and they left me feeling deeply saddened. One particularly striking fact stated, “About 4% of couples will try for four years and still not conceive. This group is unlikely to achieve pregnancy without medical assistance.” It’s tough news to digest.

Did you know that one in eight couples experiences difficulty conceiving? Before October 2019, these numbers were just abstract figures to me. They held no personal significance, and I was blissfully unaware of the harsh reality they represented.

My Infertility Journey

I remember the excitement and anticipation when we decided to start trying for a baby. I was nearing college graduation, and it felt like the perfect time. I envisioned finishing school and having a baby during the transition before student loan payments kicked in. At that time, I was filled with hope, excitement, and a little nervousness. That first month, I was so sure we would conceive. After all, unprotected sex leads to pregnancy, right? Little did I know what lay ahead.

The first month passed, and I told myself it was okay—few people conceive on the first try. The second month came and went, and I felt disappointed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I was regular, which I thought meant I should conceive quickly. But I reassured myself that it could take up to six months. However, as the six-month mark approached, my worry grew. Things weren’t looking promising. They say it can take up to a year, and only then should you see a doctor. Would it really come to that? Was there something wrong with me?

People began to ask when we would get pregnant, and I politely replied that we were trying. They meant well, but they couldn’t see the pain their questions caused. I started taking various vitamins and trying different advice people offered. But nothing helped.

As the one-year mark approached, I felt a knot in my stomach, fearing that something might actually be wrong. I was terrified of the label “infertility.” The year came and went. As much as I wanted to know what was wrong, I feared the answer. That first year was extremely challenging and lonely. During that time I struggled to cope with infertility.

It’s been 4 1/2 years since we started trying to conceive. I’ve mostly accepted and made peace with the fact that this is part of my story—that, for some reason, my body struggles to get pregnant. Yet, there’s a part of me that mourns my naive, hopeful self who believed my body was fertile and ready all those years ago. I grieve as I come to terms with letting go of the hope that we will conceive naturally.

Infertility is incredibly challenging. You can read more on my journey with infertility here.

I don’t know where you are in your journey. Maybe you’re just starting out, feeling disappointment in those first few months, and struggling to share your feelings because it’s still early. I remember how difficult those first six months were, feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone because my struggle didn’t seem “bad enough.” Hearing “just wait for God’s timing” didn’t ease the disappointment or fear that this could continue for a long time.

Maybe you’re nearing the one-year mark, and it’s hard to believe you’ve been facing this challenge for almost a year. I remember dreading that milestone, fearing it would become my reality. Perhaps you’re hoping for a miracle but starting to investigate the cause of your infertility. The information is overwhelming, and it’s hard to know where to start.

It’s also scary to think this struggle could continue indefinitely. Maybe you’ve been at this for years, and you already know the cause of your infertility. You might have pursued various treatments and searched tirelessly for answers. Perhaps the treatments you tried didn’t work, and you’re back to the drawing board. Or maybe they did work, but now you’re struggling to conceive again.

No matter where you are in your journey, please know you are not alone. We are in this together.

I am still in the trenches of this infertility journey, and some days I feel heartbroken. Here are some things that have helped me cope with infertility:

Be Aware of Unpredictable Triggers

One baby announcement might not affect me, but the next could bring up all sorts of emotions. Some days, I feel fine, and the next, I’m a mess. It’s challenging to navigate these swings because you can feel hopeful one moment and devastated the next. 

Here are some strategies to help you manage these unpredictable triggers:

Identify Your Triggers:

Pay attention to the situations, events, or conversations that evoke strong emotional responses. Keeping a journal can help you track and identify patterns in your emotional reactions.

Practice Self-Compassion:

When you do get triggered, be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. Your emotions are valid.

Limit Exposure When Needed:

Sometimes, it’s okay to take a break from environments or people that you know might be triggering. For instance, consider limiting time on social media if pregnancy announcements are hard to see.

Create a Coping Plan:

Prepare a set of go-to coping mechanisms for when you’re triggered. These could include deep breathing exercises, a favorite playlist, calling a supportive friend, or taking a walk.

Navigating emotional triggers can be tough, but being proactive and compassionate towards yourself can make a significant difference in managing them as you cope with infertility.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Some days bring joy and hope, while others plunge me into deep grief. It’s a fluctuating journey, and navigating these emotional highs and lows can be challenging. For me, grief involves mourning the loss of my envisioned future and the loss of control over my reproductive journey. Here’s how you can give yourself the time and space to process your emotions:

Acknowledge Your Feelings:

Allow yourself to acknowledge and validate the range of emotions you experience, from sadness and anger to frustration and disappointment. Recognize that grieving is a natural response to the challenges of infertility and that it’s okay to feel whatever emotions come up.

Seek Support:

Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, support groups, or mental health professionals for support. Talking to others who understand what you’re going through can provide comfort, validation, and perspective. Consider joining online communities or attending support group meetings to connect with others facing similar challenges.

Practice Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer to a friend in a similar situation. Avoid self-criticism or judgment, and instead, practice self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Practice Mindfulness:

Take moments throughout your day to check in with yourself and your emotions. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or body scans, can help you stay present and attuned to your feelings.

Remember, grieving is a process, and it’s essential to give yourself the time and space you need to navigate it. Be patient with yourself and trust that healing will come in time.

Communicate Your Needs

When discussing my infertility journey, I often encounter well-meaning but unhelpful responses like “look on the bright side” or “wait for God’s timing.” If you also face this, it’s crucial to advocate for yourself and express what support you need. 

Here’s how you can effectively communicate your needs:

Be Direct:

Clearly communicate your feelings and needs to those around you. Avoid expecting others to read your mind or interpret subtle cues. Directly express what you’re experiencing and what type of support you’re seeking.

Use “I” Statements:

Frame your communication using “I” statements to express your own feelings and experiences rather than placing blame or making accusations. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when I hear advice like ‘just relax’ because it minimizes my experience” rather than “You always say the wrong thing.”

Provide Specific Requests:

Instead of expecting others to guess how they can support you, provide specific requests or suggestions. Whether it’s asking for a listening ear, a distraction, a hug, or validation of your feelings, clearly state what you need.

Express Gratitude:

Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts of those who genuinely want to support you, even if their attempts fall short. Express gratitude for their willingness to listen and be present, and guide them on how they can better support you in the future.

By effectively communicating your needs, you empower yourself to receive the support and understanding you deserve on your infertility journey. Remember that advocating for yourself is not selfish but necessary to cope with infertility and for your emotional well-being.

Find Healthy Outlets for Your Emotions

During the challenging days of infertility, finding healthy outlets for your emotions becomes paramount. These outlets serve as lifelines, offering solace, joy, and purpose amidst the turmoil. For me, this blog serves as an example. It provides a creative space where I can express my thoughts, share my journey, and connect with others facing similar struggles. 

Now, let’s explore how you can discover and cultivate your own healthy outlets for emotional expression:

Explore Your Passions:

Take some time to reflect on activities or hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether it’s writing, painting, gardening, cooking, or playing music, identify activities that resonate with you and bring a sense of purpose.

Experiment with Creative Outlets:

Engage in creative outlets that allow you to express yourself authentically. Start a journal to jot down your thoughts and feelings, create artwork that reflects your emotions, or start a blog or vlog to share your journey with others.

Prioritize Self-Care Activities:

Make self-care a priority by incorporating activities that promote relaxation and well-being into your routine. Practice mindfulness or meditation to center yourself, indulge in a soothing bath or massage, or spend time in nature to recharge your spirits.

Stay Active:

Physical activity is an excellent outlet for releasing pent-up emotions and reducing stress. Find an exercise routine that you enjoy, whether it’s yoga, running, swimming, or dancing. Not only does exercise boost your mood, but it also enhances overall health and well-being.

By exploring and embracing healthy outlets for your emotions, you empower yourself to navigate the ups and downs of infertility with resilience, strength, and grace. Remember that self-care is not selfish but necessary for your well-being, and finding outlets that bring you joy and purpose is an essential part of that journey.

Re-establish Intimacy with Your Spouse

The constant cycle tracking, ovulation tests, and trying to conceive can take a toll. It takes the joy out of intimacy and adds more stress. One of the unhelpful pieces of advice I’ve often received is, “Just take a break from trying.” What does this even mean? Do I tell my body to take a break from its cycle, or do I stop having sex that month? A more helpful approach is to re-establish intimacy with your spouse.

Here’s how you can nurture your connection and rebuild intimacy:

Go on Dates:

Schedule regular date nights to spend quality time together away from the pressures of trying to conceive. Focus on enjoying each other’s company and rekindling the spark in your relationship.

Physical Touch:

Take the time to give each other massages or cuddle without the pressure of trying to conceive. Physical touch can help strengthen your bond and reignite intimacy.

Communicate Openly:

Talk openly with your partner about your feelings, fears, and hopes regarding your fertility journey. Sharing your thoughts and emotions can help foster understanding and support between you.

Focus on Pleasure:

Shift the focus away from conception and instead prioritize pleasure and connection during intimate moments. Enjoy each other’s company and explore what brings you both joy and satisfaction.

By re-establishing intimacy with your spouse, you nurture your relationship and create a supportive foundation for navigating the challenges of infertility together. Remember that intimacy goes beyond conception and encompasses emotional connection, communication, and shared experiences.

Set Boundaries and Know Your Limits

Navigating social events like baby showers can be incredibly challenging when dealing with infertility. For me, attending baby showers can be really painful. I don’t skip all of them, but I evaluate my mental and emotional state before deciding whether to attend. It’s important to set boundaries and know your limits. Protect your mental and emotional health by saying no when you need to.

Here’s how you can set boundaries to protect your well-being:

Evaluate Your Comfort Level:

Before agreeing to attend social events related to pregnancy or parenthood, take a moment to assess how you’re feeling. If the thought of attending brings up feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anxiety, it’s okay to decline the invitation.

Communicate Your Boundaries:

Clearly communicate your boundaries to friends, family, and colleagues. Let them know what you’re comfortable discussing and what topics are off-limits. Be assertive yet respectful when asserting your boundaries.

Practice Saying No:

Saying no can be difficult, especially when you want to avoid disappointing others. Practice saying no firmly and politely. Remember that it’s okay to decline invitations or requests that compromise your emotional well-being.

Set Limits on Social Media:

Consider setting boundaries around your use of social media as a way to cope with infertility, particularly when it comes to pregnancy announcements or baby-related posts. Unfollow or mute accounts that trigger negative emotions and limit your time spent scrolling through feeds.

By setting boundaries that align with your emotional needs, you create a supportive environment that prioritizes your well-being. Remember that it’s okay to protect yourself and say no to situations that may cause you distress. Your mental and emotional health deserves to be safeguarded as you navigate the challenges of infertility.

Educate Yourself

Navigating the complexities of infertility can feel overwhelming, but knowledge can be empowering and a way to cope with infertility. Educating yourself about infertility, potential treatments, and what to expect at different stages of the journey can provide a sense of clarity and control. Understanding the medical aspects can reduce anxiety and help you make informed decisions.

Here’s how you can educate yourself about infertility:

Research:

Take the time to research infertility causes, treatments, and success rates. Look for reputable sources of information, such as medical websites, peer-reviewed journals, and books written by fertility experts.

Ask Questions:

Don’t hesitate to ask your healthcare provider questions about your diagnosis, treatment options, and prognosis. Understanding the specifics of your situation can help you feel more confident and engaged in your care.

Seek Support:

Connect with others who have experienced infertility by joining support groups, online forums, or local meet-up groups. Hearing about others’ experiences and insights can provide valuable perspective and support.

Consult Specialists:

Consider seeking a second opinion or consulting with fertility specialists to explore all available options. A reproductive endocrinologist can provide tailored advice and guidance based on your unique circumstances.

By educating yourself about infertility, you empower yourself to make informed decisions and advocate for your own care. Knowledge not only reduces uncertainty and anxiety but also fosters a sense of empowerment and control over your fertility journey. Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support available to help you every step of the way.

Foster a Positive Mindset

Embarking on the journey of infertility presents its challenges, but nurturing a positive mindset can offer resilience and hope as you cope with infertility. While it’s crucial to acknowledge and navigate through negative emotions, incorporating practices to foster positivity can help you maintain a more balanced outlook throughout your journey.

Here’s how you can cultivate a positive mindset:

Practice Gratitude:

Set aside a few moments each day to reflect on the things you’re grateful for. Keeping a gratitude journal allows you to shift your focus toward the positive aspects of your life, fostering feelings of contentment and appreciation.

Engage in Positive Affirmations:

Harness the power of affirmations to reinforce positive beliefs about yourself and your journey. Repeat affirmations such as “I am resilient,” “I trust in my body’s ability to conceive,” or “I am surrounded by love and support” to cultivate optimism and self-confidence.

Focus on What You Can Control:

While infertility may cause you to feel powerless, redirect your attention to aspects of your life that you can influence. Adopting a healthy lifestyle, prioritizing self-care, and exploring different treatment options are tangible steps you can take to empower yourself and reduce feelings of helplessness.

Seek Inspirational Resources:

Surround yourself with uplifting and motivational resources that inspire hope and positivity. Whether you read books, listen to podcasts, or follow social media accounts that share stories of resilience, exposing yourself to inspirational content can uplift your spirits and bolster your resolve.

By integrating these practices into your daily routine, you can foster a positive mindset that serves as a beacon of strength and optimism on your fertility journey. Remember that it’s okay to acknowledge and work through negative emotions, but cultivating positivity can help you face challenges with resilience and grace.

Live Fully While Planning for the Future

In the journey of infertility, it’s easy to feel like life is perpetually on hold. Many plans and dreams can seem contingent on the hope of a baby, whether it’s planning vacations, pursuing careers, or engaging in passions. This waiting game can make it feel like everything else in life is secondary. However, it’s important to keep moving forward and living fully, even amidst uncertainty.

Here’s how you can plan for the future without putting your life on hold:

Set Personal Goals:

Identify and pursue personal goals that are meaningful to you, irrespective of your fertility journey. Whether it’s advancing in your career, taking up a new hobby, or furthering your education, focus on goals that bring you joy and fulfillment.

Plan Enjoyable Activities:

Don’t put your life on pause waiting for a baby. Plan vacations, weekend getaways, or day trips that you’ve always wanted to take. Allow yourself to enjoy these moments without guilt, and know that it’s okay to have experiences that are not centered around fertility treatments.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and plans might need to change. However, embracing flexibility can help you navigate this uncertainty. Instead of delaying activities or decisions, move forward with the understanding that adjustments can be made if necessary.

Invest in Your Passions:

Dedicate time and energy to the things you are passionate about. Whether it’s a creative pursuit, a sport, or a volunteer activity, investing in your passions can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment that is independent of your fertility journey.

By creating a future-oriented mindset that includes goals and activities beyond the scope of infertility, you can reclaim a sense of normalcy and fulfillment. While it’s natural to hope and plan for a baby, remember that your life is valuable and worth living fully in the present moment.

Accept What You Can’t Control

Infertility often brings a profound sense of loss of control, as so much of the journey involves factors beyond your influence. This loss can be profoundly frustrating and anxiety-inducing. Accepting that some aspects of this journey are beyond your control can reduce anxiety and help you focus on what you can influence, allowing you to navigate the process with greater peace and resilience.

Here’s how you can accept what you can’t control:

Acknowledge Your Feelings:

Recognize and validate the emotions that arise from feeling out of control. It’s normal to experience frustration, sadness, or anger. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions without judgment can be the first step toward acceptance.

Focus on the Present:

Practice mindfulness and stay present in the moment. Focusing on the present can help you avoid getting caught up in worries about the future or regrets about the past. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or journaling can anchor you in the here and now.

Reframe Your Perspective:

Shift your focus from what you can’t control to what you can. This might include lifestyle choices, how you spend your time, or how you manage stress. Concentrating on actionable steps can help you regain a sense of agency.

Practice Letting Go:

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing the need to control every aspect of your fertility journey. Accepting that some outcomes are beyond your influence can provide emotional relief and open up space for new possibilities and coping strategies.

By accepting what you can’t control, you free yourself from the constant pressure to manage every detail of your infertility journey. This acceptance can bring a sense of peace, allowing you to invest your energy in areas where you can make a difference and improve your overall well-being.

Don’t Lose Hope

Despite the difficulties, hope remains a guiding light. While I continue to dream of pregnancy, I’ve come to accept that it may not happen naturally. Here are ways you can cultivate hope as you cope with infertility:

Practice Gratitude:

Focus on the positive aspects of your life and find reasons to be thankful. This can shift your perspective and help you find moments of joy.

Set Realistic Goals:

Break down your journey into smaller, achievable steps. Celebrate each milestone, no matter how small.

Seek Inspiration:

Read stories of others who have overcome infertility. Their experiences can provide hope and remind you that you are not alone.

To support you further on this journey, I am offering a free 8 day devotional titled “Blossoming in the Waiting“. This devotional is specifically designed to uplift and inspire those facing infertility. It provides daily reflections and encouraging scriptures to help you find peace, strength, and purpose in your journey.

Dear friend, wherever you are in your journey, please know that you are not alone. We are in this together. Infertility is incredibly challenging, but we can find strength in each other and keep moving forward.

With love and understanding,

Sarah

How has your understanding and experience of infertility evolved over time? What have been some of the most challenging and enlightening moments on this journey?

What strategies have you found most helpful in managing the unpredictable emotional triggers related to infertility? How can you further refine these coping mechanisms to better support your emotional well-being?

How have you communicated your needs to those around you during your infertility journey? What changes could you make to improve this communication and ensure you receive the support you need?

How do you balance maintaining hope for the future while accepting aspects of your fertility journey that are beyond your control? What practices or mindsets help you foster resilience and positivity amidst uncertainty?