Bad Advice You Should Never Give Someone Facing Infertility
Infertility is a deeply emotional and often isolating journey—a rollercoaster of hope, disappointment, and frustration that never seems to let up. If you’re going through this, you already know how tough it is to navigate the endless cycle of ups and downs, often feeling like you’re stuck in an emotional loop that no one else truly understands. And while your friends and family might mean well, sometimes their words just make things worse, adding to the weight you’re already carrying. Bad advice, no matter how well-intentioned, can sting even more.
This post is here to help you identify those comments that sting so you can recognize when it’s not just you—some remarks really do more harm than good. We’ll also explore how to guide your loved ones toward offering the kind of support that actually helps rather than unintentionally making things harder.
“Just relax, and it will happen.”
Why It’s Harmful: Telling someone to “just relax” is like saying, “You’re doing this to yourself.” Infertility is a complex mix of physical and environmental factors that won’t magically disappear with a bubble bath. This kind of bad advice oversimplifies a complicated situation and can make the person feel like their stress is to blame.
What to Say Instead: “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I’m here to support you in any way you need, whether it’s talking, listening, or just being present.”
“Have you tried [insert remedy]?”
Why It’s Harmful: Suggesting random remedies is like saying, “You haven’t tried hard enough.” Trust me, they’ve done the research, and they’ve probably heard of every tea, herb, and position out there. This bad advice can come across as judgmental and stress-inducing, not to mention it’s usually just plain unhelpful.
What to Say Instead: “I know you’re probably exploring all options and resources available to you. If you ever want to talk or need a break from all the advice, I’m here for you.”
“At least you can get pregnant. Some people can’t even do that.”
Why It’s Harmful: This isn’t a competition. Infertility is painful, no matter where someone is on that journey. Comparing struggles doesn’t help anyone and can make the person feel like their pain isn’t valid. Every journey is unique, and every pain is real—no comparisons needed.
What to Say Instead: “I know that this is challenging and painful for you. I’m here to help and support you in any way you need, without any criticism or making comparisons.”
“It’s just not the right time for you.”
Why It’s Harmful: This comment completely downplays the pain and heartache of infertility. It’s not about some cosmic timing or the universe thinking they’re “not ready.” Infertility is a brutal medical issue, not a matter of waiting for the stars to align. Suggesting that it’s just about timing is not only dismissive but also wildly out of touch with the reality they’re facing. Readiness isn’t the issue—medical challenges are, and no amount of waiting is going to change that.
What to Say Instead: “I know you are struggling to have a baby. Is there anything I can do to support you?”
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
Why It’s Harmful: Adoption is not a quick fix for infertility. It’s a deeply personal decision with its own set of challenges. Adoption is beautiful, but it has its own hurdles. It’s a long, expensive process that requires emotional readiness. This kind of comment downplays the complex emotions involved in both infertility and adoption, making it seem like an easy alternative when it’s anything but.
What to Say Instead: “Adoption is a personal choice and can be a complex journey in its own right. I support you in whatever decisions you make and am here to help you through whatever path you choose.”
“You can always try IVF or other treatments.”
Why It’s Harmful: IVF and other treatments are anything but easy. They’re expensive, emotionally draining, and don’t always work. Suggesting these options can feel like pressure to pursue avenues they might not be ready for or can’t afford. It’s dismissive of the emotional and financial toll these treatments take, reducing a deeply personal decision to a casual suggestion.
What to Say Instead: “I know right now the options might feel overwhelming. If you need someone to listen to you process your options, I am here for you!”
“You’re still young. You have time.”
Why It’s Harmful: Telling someone they have time when they’re in the thick of infertility is dismissive. While they might know they technically have time, infertility feels like life is passing them by. There’s a fear that maybe they’ll never have kids and might have to deal with this pain for life. The feeling of urgency and anxiety doesn’t disappear just because there’s “time.”
What to Say Instead: “That’s really hard to go through, especially when you expected to be a mom by now.”
“Maybe you’re just not meant to be a parent.”
Why It’s Harmful: This is one of the most hurtful things you can say. It questions their dreams and self-worth, making it sound like their desire to be a parent is invalid or some cruel twist of fate. It’s not just insensitive—it’s deeply damaging, as it implies that their longing for a child is somehow wrong or undeserved.
What to Say Instead: “You are valuable and loved regardless of the outcome of this journey. I’m here to support you through this process, no matter where it leads.”
“Why don’t you just think positive?”
Why It’s Harmful: Thinking positive doesn’t cure infertility. This kind of bad advice dismisses their real emotions and struggles, making it sound like their mindset is the problem. If only it were that simple! Suggesting positivity as a solution minimizes the seriousness of their situation and their pain.
What to Say Instead: “I know this is a challenging time, and it’s okay to have mixed feelings. I’m here to offer my support and be a shoulder to lean on whenever you need it.”
“Everyone goes through this; you’ll be fine.”
Why It’s Harmful: Infertility isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. Dismissing someone’s pain because “everyone goes through it” is insensitive and unhelpful. Their journey is unique, and they need understanding, not a brush-off. It’s one thing if you’ve been through infertility for years and truly know the struggle. It’s another if it only took you three months to get pregnant—frustrating, yes, but nowhere near the pain of infertility.
What to Say Instead: “That sounds like a challenging journey. How are you holding up?”
“Why don’t you focus on your career or other hobbies?”
Why It’s Harmful: Suggesting they “focus on their career” or “get a new hobby is like saying, “Just find a new dream.” It’s dismissive and minimizes the depth of their desire for children. It also ignores the fact that their career and the desire for a family aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s not about distraction; it’s about their deep, unmet longing for a child.
What to Say Instead: “I know this is a significant part of your life right now, and it’s okay to feel deeply about it. If you need a distraction or support in other areas of your life, I’m here for you.”
“It’s all in God’s plan.”
Why It’s Harmful: This phrase might be meant to comfort, but it often lands like a spiritual cop-out. It oversimplifies the deep pain and frustration of infertility, making it sound like the person experiencing infertility should just shrug it off because “God’s got it.” It can feel dismissive as if the person saying it is trying to dodge the real conversation because they’re uncomfortable with the messy reality of the situation.
What to Say Instead: “I’m thinking of you and sending you my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to or just be with, I’m here.”
“You’re probably just stressed; that’s why it’s not happening.”
Why It’s Harmful: This is basically blaming them for their infertility by saying, “You’re too stressed.” Infertility isn’t caused by stress, and suggesting otherwise just adds to their frustration. This comment not only oversimplifies a complex medical condition but also adds unnecessary guilt and stress to an already overwhelming situation.
What to Say Instead: “I know that stress can be a part of this journey, but it’s okay to feel however you’re feeling. How can I help you destress?”
“You should be grateful for the children you have.”
Why It’s Harmful: This comment invalidates their feelings by implying that wanting more children is ungrateful. It’s hurtful and dismissive of their pain. It’s as if that person is telling them they should be satisfied and not allowed to feel the deep yearning for another child. Wanting to grow their family doesn’t make you ungrateful; it makes you human.
What to Say Instead: “I understand that this is tough for you. I know you want more children, and your feelings are valid.”
“Why don’t you just stop thinking about it so much?”
Why It’s Harmful: If only it were that simple. Infertility is a constant presence in their life, and telling them to “stop thinking about it” is dismissive and unrealistic. Not thinking about infertility is like trying not to think about hiccups or a stubbed toe. Reminders are everywhere—from pregnancy announcements and seeing babies with their moms to questions about when you’ll have children and even the monthly period. It’s not something they can just turn off.
What to Say Instead: “I know that it’s difficult to keep your mind off of this. Is there anything I can do to help you take your mind off things for a while?”
“You’re making it worse by talking about it.”
Why It’s Harmful: Telling someone they’re making it worse by talking about it is a way of saying, “Keep your pain to yourself.” It discourages them from opening up and processing their feelings, which is essential.
What to Say Instead: “I’m here for you, whether you want to talk or need some quiet time. Your feelings are important, and I’m here to listen.”
“Why don’t you take a vacation or change your routine?”
Why It’s Harmful: A vacation isn’t going to fix infertility. This suggestion oversimplifies the problem and ignores the emotional and physical realities of their situation. While a break might be nice, it’s not a magical solution to a deeply painful and complex issue. Infertility isn’t a problem that can be solved by a few days at the beach.
What to Say Instead: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I want you to know I care about you.”
“You should just be patient.”
Why It’s Harmful: Patience isn’t a cure for infertility. It’s dismissive to suggest that waiting is all they need to do when they’re going through such a difficult journey. Infertility is an emotional rollercoaster, and patience alone won’t ease the pain or fear that comes with it. This kind of bad advice trivializes their experience and makes it sound like they just need to wait their pain away.
What to Say Instead: “I know this is a long and difficult journey. I’m here to support you, no matter how long it takes. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
Why It’s Harmful: While well-meaning, this phrase can come off as a way to avoid the real conversation. It’s dismissive of their pain and can make them feel like they’re not allowed to struggle with what they’re going through. It can also suggest that their suffering has a purpose they’re just not seeing, which can feel like an attempt to shut down their feelings because you’re uncomfortable with their pain.
What to Say Instead: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or anything else—you don’t have to find a reason for it.”
“Are you sure you are ready to have kids?”
Why It’s Harmful: Nothing says “supportive friend” like questioning someone’s readiness for parenthood when they’re already dealing with infertility. This comment implies that their struggle might be a result of not being “ready” rather than any medical or personal challenge. It’s adding insult to injury by suggesting that someone might not be ready to have children. Ready or not, infertility is not about readiness; it’s about complex, often heartbreaking issues beyond their control.
What to Say Instead: “I know how much you want to be a mom. I’m here to support you in any way I can as you go through this.”
Conclusion
Supporting someone through infertility is no small task—it takes empathy, patience, and a whole lot of thoughtfulness. While it’s natural for people to want to help, the wrong words can cut deeper than they realize. The best way to offer real support? Skip the clichés and focus on genuine validation and comfort. The best way to support someone with infertility as a friend or family member is to listen, empathize, and be there every step of the way.
Have you had to deal with insensitive comments on your infertility journey? Share your experience in the comments below. How do you wish the person had responded? Your insights might help someone else handle these conversations with a little more care.
